Sign In

I’m Your Dog and I’m Worried About You

April 8, 2020

It’s me, Peaches. Hey, are you doing O.K.? I don’t mean to pry, but, starting a few weeks back, you’ve . . . been around more. As in, all the time. Which is totally cool, but it seems like something’s off, so I figured I’d check in.

I’m a good boy—talk to me.

All of a sudden, it’s like you’re a completely different person. You just sit there on the couch watching the fear box and dripping tears onto my fur. I thrash when you bathe me, so you know I don’t like getting wet!

Don’t get me wrong. I cherish your kibbles and I know that you wuv me. But you have to stop petting me every two seconds. I like snuggle time as much as the next pooch, but it’s starting to feel a little desperate. My snout is raw and I’m getting a callous on my tum-tum. For Christ’s sake, my tail is nearly wagged to the bone!

Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’ll try to use my inside bark.

I used to think that I missed you when you left for the day, but now I see how good I had it. I would bark at squirrels for hours! But now, the second I step foot in the bathroom to slurp toilet water, you’re right there with a rolled-up newspaper, giving me dirty looks.

Do you have any idea how demeaning it is to get snout-smacked by a guy with his sweatpants on backward?

Honestly, I think time apart could be good for us. It makes me a better nuzzler when you do come home. I can’t be adorable 24/7. I need some time to recharge, so that I can be at my cutest when nighttime rolls around. That’s how you get the good tail wags.

Whatever you did to make your boss tell you to stop coming in, you go and apologize. Because if I have to slow dance with you one more time on my hind legs, I’m going to hurl my fuzzy ass into traffic!

Fetching balls is fun and all, but don’t you have anything better to do? Read a book. Call your mother. Take up needlepoint. Anything! I can’t be your only source of entertainment. It’s too much pressure, and we both know stress makes me rip pillows.

But I don’t want to be in your “funny” Instagram videos, so stop trying to put me in a sundress and pretend we’re on a date. It’s humiliating, and I don’t even want to get into unpacking the psychosexual implications.

And why do you keep trying to ride me down your hallway? I’m not a horse, dipshit! Maybe you’d know that if you ever groomed me.

Look, I appreciate you walking me. Really, I do. But I can only pee so many times in a day. How do you not know this? You’re the one who fills up my bowl. But this isn’t about my bowel movements, is it? It’s about the bottomless well of need that has suddenly opened up inside you. Every time I hear the jangle of you grabbing my leash, I cringe.

You’ve got a good heart, and the last thing I want to do is run away. It’s warm here, and this is where my bone is. Plus, the house has never been cleaner. You’ve even started wiping down the doorknobs! But, unless you want me to gnaw on your favorite shoe, you need to get your shit together and stop being so clingy. I want to keep being man’s best friend, but you are not making it easy.

Register Your Dog

  • Most Recent News

    Students Get Therapy Dog

    When middle school students return to class on Jan. 11, they’ll find a new face at the door: Daisy. Daisy is a therapy dog and the personal pet of Rob Kreger, principal of the Rock L. Butler Middle School. The five-year-old golden retriever is not a school pet or mascot, but rather a working dog […]

    Read more

    Therapy Dogtor

    Last March, Caroline Benzel, a third-year medical student, began to notice the stress and discomfort her nurse friends were feeling from the pressures of the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic. “[Personal protective equipment] can be really rough on the skin,” Benzel, 31, tells PEOPLE. Benzel and her 3-year-old Rottweiler, Loki (who’s also a therapy dog) hatched a […]

    Read more

    Therapy Dog Pups

    When Stanley the miniature fox terrier’s owner passed away, the little dog started a ‘paw-some’ new role – bringing puppy love to some of the Gold Coast’s oldest residents. After Carinity Cedarbrook Diversional Therapist Julianne Staff adopted Stanley, he began visiting the aged care community at Mudgeeraba as a therapy dog. Therapy dogs help to […]

    Read more

    Puppy Cams

    A nonprofit is providing an unusual form of therapy for those on the front lines of the coronavirus pandemic – puppy cams! “You spend five minutes with a puppy and try not to smile,” said registered nurse Robin Lingg Lagrone. Lingg Lagrone says watching little furballs wag their tails and prance on their paws helps […]

    Read more

    Pet Committee

    When Moore County’s school doors were abruptly closed earlier in 2020, two- and four-legged volunteers from the Moore County Citizens’ Pet Responsibility Committee (PRC) were in their 12th year of presenting a six-session Pet Responsibility Education Program for fourth-graders. The PRC quickly shifted gears and placed its program materials online as part of a home […]

    Read more

    The Right Rescue Dog

    If your New Year’s resolution is to add a canine family member, good for you. Somewhere out there is the perfect puppy or adult dog for your family. You have a lot of things to think about when you begin to look for that new family member, puppy or dog? Large or small? Purebred or […]

    Read more